Illustrations by Chris Ware
Foal Everyone thinks you’re adorable until you suddenly whirl and kick them in the shins. | Infant Everyone thinks you’re adorable until you suddenly spit up on their cashmere sweater. |
Weanling Despite having the face of a fawn, you harbor what seems to be a fiendish urge to head butt everyone, including your own mother! | Toddler Deep within your psyche lies the soul of an artist. Thus, you feel compelled to draw masterpieces on the livingroom wall. |
Yearling Why did you chew off your own tail? | Kindergarten Why did you eat paste? |
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Greenie Yes, you must pick up the left lead. | Teenager No, you cannot drive Dad’s Porsche. |
Pro Training Now you’ll learn how to go on the bit, collect your canter, move laterally and execute flying lead changes. | College Now you’ll aquire the education and skills that will (hopefully) get you a decent job so you can afford to continue riding. |
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First Show Yikes! The far corner of the arena is scary! | First Job Yikes! The boss is scary! |
Prime of Life As a testament to your years as a trustworthy and much beloved mount, you receive a leather halter with a brass nameplate. This accolade prompts you to act a little snooty toward the younger horses, especially in the crossties. | Adulthood After years of overtime and some orchestrated groveling, you get a promotion at work. You even get a nameplate for your desk. With this new sense of empowerment, you feel it’s finally safe to wear your boots and breeches on casual Fridays. |
Aged Equine The vet says you have creaky joints. As a result, you’re put on daily supplements and get corrective shoes. | Active Senior Your doctor says your creaky joints are due to age-related arthritis. He suggests hip replacement surgery. That very same week you receive your AARP card in the mail. |
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Retirement Activities
| Retirement Activities
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