If Santa Used Horses…

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen. Those brown, fuzzy, antler-wielding reindeer Santa hitches to his sleigh every year make for a good Christmas song, sure. But are they really the best option for what could legitimately be called the Greatest Endurance Ride of the Year? I think not. Santa, I’d like to recommend you switch to horses. Here’s why.

1. Horse Power

There’s a reason engine performance is measured in something called horsepower, not reindeer power. Since you have 364 days of the year for your elves to train and condition a barn full of horses, by December 25th, eight fit horses could easily take you on a spin around the world. Plus, there’s the benefit of not having antlers constantly getting stuck in the hot walker.

2. Options in appearance

Sure, reindeer have the whole arctic theme down pat. But what has more commercial appeal? Perhaps a lovely sleigh pulled by a team of gorgeous gray Percherons. Or regal bay Thoroughbreds. Or sleek black Arabians. What about a team of flashy Paints or Appaloosas? Just think of the options here. Don’t you ever get sick of the same old brown reindeer? Honestly, can you even tell them apart half the time?

3. Relatable merchandising

Not many people can get their hands on a reindeer. But I ask you: how many Christmas lists do you receive every year where some small child is wishing for a pony? Think of the merchandising you could drum up if you had a set of horses to pull your sled. Everyone will want her own Santa Steed. We’re talking shirts, hats, mugs, picture frames—and those are just the human accessories. Every horse on the planet will want to get a part of the action as well—think red and green halters, holiday leg wraps, sweat sheets that say “Santa Steed in Training.”

This would also surely involve the writing of new Christmas songs, thereby helping the music industry, the economy—really helping the whole world. Assuredly, the possibilities are limited only by your creativity. (Suggested names for sleigh-pulling horses include Star, Lightning, Mighty, Charlie and the inevitable Sugar.)

4. Trainability

Admit it. Reindeer can be a little…challenging sometimes, with the snorting and the flightiness and the whole humongous antler thing going on. Horses? Simple in comparison. Firstly, they are completely domesticated. Secondly, they are relatively easy to train and condition. Thirdly, you and Mrs. Claus can go on relaxing trail rides during the off-season.

Admittedly, the only aspect in which reindeer exceed horses in the manner of global gift delivery is the whole red nose thing. So let’s compromise: you exchange your eight reindeer for a stable of gallant steeds, but you get to keep Rudolph for posterity, recognition, and the ability to navigate in inclement weather. Deal? Deal.