How to Recognize a Horsewoman

I surrender. I have lost any resemblance to the woman I used to be, when I shopped at Macy’s and Nordstrom, wore nail polish and perfected my culinary skills in the kitchen. I have become a full-fledged horsewoman. Are you one, too? Here’s a short list I compiled that might help you decide.

1. Your wall calendar is covered with scribbles about farrier appointments, de-worming dates and horse show entry deadlines.

2. The length of your hair is one extreme or the other; you see no room for middle ground. It’s either layered and bobbed close to your head or long enough to corral into a ponytail. No free-flowing feminine locks are going to obscure your eyes at the gallop!

3. You know how most people have one ugly, god-awful Christmas sweater they drag out during the holidays? Well, you have one ugly, god-awful horsey sweater. And you wear it proudly as often as weather permits.

4. On the rare occasion that you dab on some make-up and blow dry your hair, no one recognizes you.

5. Visitors to your house can trace your steps based on the trail of wood shavings and alfalfa leaves sprinkled atop the tile floor and carpet.

6. The last time someone gushed over a female celebrity’s obvious beauty you found yourself quipping, “Yeah, but I bet she couldn’t heft a bag of hay pellets off a pick-up truck.”

7. You’ve convinced yourself that it’s no big deal to sneak a load of barn laundry in with the household stuff, providing a polo wrap doesn’t end up Velcroed to your husband’s boxer shorts.

8. Preparing dinner at the same time you put the horse to bed continues to be problematic. You’ve lost count of the burned hamburger patties and pots of soggy pasta.

9. While other women speak in poetic terms about slinky lingerie and sexy stiletto heels, you get excited over a comfortable sports bra and affordable muck boots.

10. During a moment of self-reflection you had this revelation: You interact with children like they’re horses and your treat your horses like they’re your children. And oddly enough, you don’t see anything wrong with that.

So there you have it: My personal list that defines a modern horsewoman. Did you recognize yourself? If so, welcome to the club!

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