Horse Illustrated Magazine

We’ve all seen countless conformation diagrams of horses. They helped us learn the common features and identifying traits of our favorite four-legged beast. Well, I think it’s time we had the same sort of descriptive illustration for another creature familiar to all of us: The Non-Horsey Human Male.

1. Hat: Typically western in design, this item of camouflage allows for seamless integration into closed-set herds of equestrians; allows wearer to “look the part.”

2. Eyes: Though not quite spring-loaded, they have the ability to “pop out” in response to certain stimuli, for example, reading the feed store receipt and discovering the current cost of alfalfa.

3. Mouth: Remarkably deceptive, the mouth is capable of convincingly uttering half-truths, such as, “Wow, Honey, your hips and thighs look amazing in those skin-tight riding breeches!”

4. Upper Body: Ideally suited for performing vital tasks necessary for basic survival like barn repair, horse trailer maintenance, and digging fence post holes.

5. Pliable Lower Arm: Thanks to amazing dexterity, hand can deftly reach into pants pocket to locate loose change in order to pay for 25-lb. bag of carrots.

6. Boots: Component of standard operating safety equipment to prevent loss of use.

7. Disfigured Fingers: Typically due to ignoring instructions to stop hand-feeding treats to the mouthy gelding. (Common blemish and does not usually cause unsoundness).

8. Shabby Coat: Acceptable patterns include Horse Slobber Spots, Barn Paint Speckles and “My Wife Spent Our Savings on a New Silver Western Saddle so I had to Shop at the Thrift Store” Frazzle.

9. Brain: Despite cranial studies that show a capacity for independent, rational thought, that potential evaporates once the species is amorously attached to a Horsewoman.

10. Height: Standards vary widely, however, must be tall enough to stack hay three bales high and lift saddle onto back of 17.2-hand warmblood.

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