Illustrations by Chris Ware
Everyone thinks you’re adorable until you suddenly whirl and kick them in the shins.
Everyone thinks you’re adorable until you suddenly spit up on their cashmere sweater.
Despite having the face of a fawn, you harbor what seems to be a fiendish urge to head butt everyone, including your own mother!
Deep within your psyche lies the soul of an artist. Thus, you feel compelled to draw masterpieces on the livingroom wall.
Why did you chew off your own tail?
Why did you eat paste?
Yes, you must pick up the left lead.
No, you cannot drive Dad’s Porsche.
Now you’ll learn how to go on the bit, collect your canter, move laterally and execute flying lead changes.
Now you’ll aquire the education and skills that will (hopefully) get you a decent job so you can afford to continue riding.
Yikes! The far corner of the arena is scary!
Yikes! The boss is scary!
Prime of Life
As a testament to your years as a trustworthy and much beloved mount, you receive a leather halter with a brass nameplate. This accolade prompts you to act a little snooty toward the younger horses, especially in the crossties.
After years of overtime and some orchestrated groveling, you get a promotion at work. You even get a nameplate for your desk. With this new sense of empowerment, you feel it’s finally safe to wear your boots and breeches on casual Fridays.
The vet says you have creaky joints. As a result, you’re put on daily supplements and get corrective shoes.
Your doctor says your creaky joints are due to age-related arthritis. He suggests hip replacement surgery. That very same week you receive your AARP card in the mail.