Attention! Are you a “mature” non-professional rider shopping for that perfect horse? Have the half-broke critters of your youth lost their appeal? Are you hoping to spend less time in the orthopedic surgeon’s office and more time in the saddle? Then next time you head out to try a horse, take along this handy diagram. It lists all the features to look for in a horse that’s ideally suited for just for you.
Click for larger image
- Auto-pilot chip implanted into cerebral cortex.
- Long ears provide a heightened sense of hearing, convenient for responding to pleads of “Whoa!” Plus, when erect they act similar to a gun sight, so rider can flawlessly target jumps.
- Eyes are perpetually half-shut, which is understandable since horse is perpetually half-asleep.
- Ah, how cute! He has a smiley face!
- Sturdy legs provide that “floating down the trail in a recliner” sensation.
- Thick layer of fat beneath skin makes horse dull to rider’s erratic leg cues. (Added bonus: Rider develops remarkably toned legs due to isometric exercise of squeezing inattentive horse forward.)
- Slightly arthritic, creaky hocks prevent horse from ever bucking or kicking.
- Luxurious tail lets mature riders reconnect with all those My Pretty Pony fantasies from yesteryear.
- By comparison, plump hindquarters create the illusion that rider has a tiny butt.
- Somewhat sunken saddle position helps rider secure and locked in place. Also, though horse measures 16.2-hands at the withers, rider is actually only 14.1-hands from the ground.
- Odd cowlick forms stiff tuft of hair, perfect for grabbing the mane in emergencies.
- Short, low-set neck eliminates those embarrassing moments when horse decides it doesn’t want to be bridled that day.
Back to Life with Horses